The Two-Sided Secret of a Satisfying Marriage

Written by Mac Hammond


"My needs aren't being met." Once you and your spouse really start listening to each other, that is probably what you're going to hear.

It's the battle cry of 99 percent of the people who come to me for marriage counseling. Physical needs. Spiritual needs. Emotional and intellectual needs. Men and women both have them. God designed us that way.

God initially created man perfect and whole with all of the components of both the male and female personalities housed in one body of flesh called Adam. When God took woman out of man, it left gaps in each of them. Each became incomplete without the other.

Thus, ever since the Garden of Eden, men and women have needed each other. And when they come together in marriage, according to God's plan, those needs are met. At least, they are supposed to be met.

In reality, what often happens is that men and women fail to realize just how strikingly different each other's needs really are. As a result, neither the husband nor the wife are fulfilled... and trouble follows.

If their needs continue to go unrecognized and unmet, the collapse of the marriage is almost unavoidable. I know. I see it all too frequently. 

Become Need-Conscious That's why I want to challenge you to start being more need-conscious. I'm not talking about being aware of your own needs. I'm talking about developing a greater understanding of the needs of your spouse. Such an understanding can save a failing marriage. It can make a good one even stronger. It will end up blessing you as much as it blesses your partner.

Most people don't understand that. They think, "My wife has certain needs and I have certain needs." They separate out "his needs" and "her needs."

But the truth is, they are all a part of "the relationship's needs." You and your spouse are one flesh, the Bible says. What enriches one of you enriches the other as well. This is what the Spirit of God is telling us in Ephesians:

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth it and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church....
(Eph. 5:28-29)

Wives and husbands have differing needs. That fact is confirmed not only by the Bible, but by secular studies and research as well.

Nearly all the studies I've seen in this area report that everyone has 10 or 12 basic needs. Yet the top five needs for women are very different from the top five for men. Would you like to know what your spouse's "number one" need is? 

The "S" Word It may come as no surprise to you that the number one need for men is for sexual pleasure. No doubt, some men reading this right now are thinking, "Wait a minute, that's not true for me." But those men are the exception, not the rule.

In the overwhelming number of cases, sexual fulfillment is a man's primary need in a marriage relationship. That isn't to say that the wife has no need for physical fulfillment, because she does. It is simply farther down on her list of priorities.

I see evidence of just how vital the physical part of the marriage relationship actually is to men almost every time a couple with marriage problems walks into my office for counseling. The man's unfulfilled sexual needs are a trouble-making issue in nearly every case. 

That trouble can take many forms - extreme irritability and belligerence on the part of the husband, for one. He may not even be aware of it, but the sexual frustration he feels can produce resentment toward the wife.

I realize the subject of sex very rarely is discussed in Christian circles. It has generally been a taboo subject. That's probably one reason the devil has been having such a field day in this area. We haven't been shining the light of God's Word on it. But it's time we changed that. It's time we began viewing sex in light of God's plan.

One reason the devil works overtime to mess things up in this area is that, in marriage, the sex act is the literal physical manifestation of two becoming "one flesh." Of course, the spiritual aspect of becoming one flesh is important. But so is the physical outworking of that spiritual reality.

Wives, you need to understand that when your husband expresses to you his need for sexual fulfillment, he's not being carnal or worldly. He's expressing something God put within him. 

What Wives Really Want Now that you know the number one need in husbands, would you like to know what the researchers say is the number one need for wives? Affection.

That's right, husbands. Just as strong as your need for sexual fulfillment is your wife's need for affection. She has a very real, very powerful hunger for it.

Once again, in this area researchers have stumbled upon a biblical truth. Every study I've seen confirms that, as a rule, the wife's primary need is for affection. Guess what? It's been in the Word all along.

Remember when we looked at Ephesians 5:28? It instructed husbands to "nourish and cherish" their wives as they would their own flesh. Nothing makes a wife feel as nourished and cherished as a husband's display of affection.

Why then are so few men given to those kinds of displays? It's because the world has brainwashed them into thinking it's unmanly to show affection. The world says that a "real" man is hard, unfeeling, and independent. I can assure you, the devil is working overtime to promote that image.

Husbands, you have to get rid of the idea that affection is somehow unmanly. Your marriage depends on it. You've got to learn to show her affection whether you feel like it at that moment or not.

She needs affection as much as you need the physical fulfillment of the marriage bed. But don't confuse her need for affection with your need for sex. All too often a woman's expression of a need to be held will be misinterpreted as a signal to initiate sex.

She simply wants to feel close to him and he thinks it's time to head for the bedroom. The result is that her need for affection goes unmet. When this happens consistently, she can begin to feel frustrated and resentful.

Husbands, you need to realize how important this need is to your wife. It's not silly. She's not being unreasonable. She's expressing a God-given need of the relationship. "But I'm just not an affectionate person. I don't know how." If you don't know how to express affection, here are a few practical suggestions to help you get started.

The simplest way to show your wife affection is to hug her and give her a little kiss every so often. Do it without any sexual overtones or expectations. Just do it to show her you love her.
Hold her hand. Whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Tell her how pretty you think she is. Send her flowers every now and then. But don't stop there. Get creative. There are a thousand different ways to let your wife know that she's your one-and-only.

My needs, your needs. They're very different but equally important. As you both unselfishly meet each other's needs, you'll be strengthening the relationship. Even better, you'll be developing the kind of tightly bonded, one-flesh marriage that will make you "heirs together of the grace of life."

Mac Hammond

Web site: Living Word Christian Center

Mac Hammond is senior pastor of Living Word Christian Center, a large and growing body of Christian believers in Brooklyn Park (a suburb of Minneapolis), Minnesota. He is the host of the Winner's Waybroadcast and author of several internationally distributed books. Mac is broadly acclaimed for his ability to apply the principles of the Bible to practical situations and the challenges of daily living. Mac Hammond graduated from Virginia Military Institute in 1965 with a Bachelor's degree in English. Upon graduation, he entered the Air Force with a regular officer's commission and reported for pilot training at Moody Air Force Base in Georgia. He received his wings in November 1966, and subsequently served two tours of duty in Southeast Asia, accumulating 198 combat missions. He was honorably discharged in 1970 with the rank of Captain. Between 1970 and 1980, Mac was involved in varying capacities in the general aviation industry including ownership of a successful air cargo business serving the Midwestern United States. A business acquisition brought the Hammonds to Minneapolis where they ultimately founded Living Word Christian Center in 1980 with 12 people in attendance. After more than 27 years, that group of twelve people has grown into an active church body of more than 9,000 members. Today some of the outreaches that spring from Living Word include Maranatha Christian Academy, a fully-accredited, pre-K through 12th grade Christian school; Maranatha College, an evening college with an uncompromising Christian environment; Living Free Recovery Services, a state licensed outpatient treatment facility for chemical dependency; The Wells at 7th Street, a multi-faceted outreach to inner-city residents; CFAITH, an online cooperative missionary outreach of hundreds of national and international organizations providing faith-based content and a nonprofit family oriented ISP; and a national and international media outreach that includes hundreds of audio/video teaching series, the Winner's Way broadcast, the PrayerNotes e-newsletter, and the Winner's Way e-magazine.

http://www.cfaith.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=15215:the-two-sided-secret-of-a-satisfying-marriage&catid=73:relationships